I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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