Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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