My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
