I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
