weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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