I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
