Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
