Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
