if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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