Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
