There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
