Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
