even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
