She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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