A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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