capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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