you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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