I just pynch a tree in the face
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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