Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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