She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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