Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
