We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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