I wish life had little blips of pornography
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
