I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
