Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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