david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
