oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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