I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
