if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
