It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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