worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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