How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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