I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
