My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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