Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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