I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
