So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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