There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is wine microwaveable?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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