I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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