Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
