3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
