how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
