Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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