HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
