you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
