.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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