I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
