I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
