I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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