I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
