since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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