I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
